I am down again, wanting January. Sadness can stagnate in a heart, unless you continue in motion. But no one notices me standing still out here. And this is how I find myself 180 degrees away from last season. [[Solitude is a bitch, but co'dependance is a whore.]]

"This is how you use your mouth to fight back" (Alix Olson)

I'll support the bending of any binary. But your womanhood was the most wonderful thing I ever set my tounge against... and now everywhere I look, S's are turning into Z's, or even turning back on itself to make room for a male identifier. I ask myself over again "what is the real difference between a man and a woman?" Despite all my efforts to open my mind to these concepts, the answer still is "the way it feels in my mouth".

Who knew that finally settling into my lesbian self... wasn't going to be enough?

This genderqueer stuff is distracting me from the fact that my life is less than half of what I want it to be.

I could wash this negative energy away.
If I could just munch some frikin muff!

Miserably.
I cling to what I thought we had.

Even when I know
Her hips
Are more fun to cling to.

I smile.
Miserably.


Painful to love
Impossible to hate



When Mohawks became a lesbian thing.

I need to pull myself back up.

Intensity.

Suppressed
Stuck
Tangled
Tortured.

All over you.

Go silent
Go easy
Go free.

It’s about me.

Eyes touch
Hips twitch
Tears drip.

The end begins.
They’re not sins.

Just another
Past tense lover

Who finds passion in
Manipulating a rhyme scheme

And drinking life
With the sucking noise
Of a straw on the bottom of an empty glass.

Just to prove,
Only to prove-
I’m not sure to who-
That’s there’s still
Some giggle left in this girl.

There’s still some life left in this world
Where bills are past against love
And coffee or tea
Becomes an ethical dilemma.

Dreams are paid minimum wage
I’m tired of dancing around
What I’ve come to say:

You’re not for me
I’ve come to leave
This illusion so strange.

I look at the freeze-framed images of our moments together. So well documented: the smiles, the kisses, the happiness. They were proof of a good time. So I blanketed these hollowed out spaces inside myself with your conundrums. For a while it worked. But even when I'm only hiding the worst of what I am, it takes away from the best of WHO I am. I'm beginning to wonder which one of us is the bigger RIDDLE.

Now you show up in fish nets and those boots that make me pulsate. All that's left to do now is quiver beneath you, and not think about what's left when it's over. Is this really over? "Yes, cant you see it is?" A voice says within my soul. All that's left to do now is press myself against you and cry. All that's left to do now is try to hold on to the smell of your flesh in my bed for one more minute.

I'm the one who did the leaving. So why do I feel so left behind?

I need more practice at being true to myself. I need more time. Push back the dead line.

Counting Crows Song Lyric:

Another Horsedreamer's Blues

Margery's dreaming of the middle of the day
Tiyuri to win
Perfect dozen to place
Money is the matter that's been on her mind
Time ticks by her one race at a time

She's tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses

Lookin' at a green sky
Sun like a red eye
Bright blue horses are the fortune she lives by
She's tired and lonely
Scarred and depressed
Her visions of one day go racing the next

She's tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses

Margie doesn't say anything all the way home
So afraid she'll awake to find she's all alone

Margery's wingspan's all feathers and coke cans, and
TV dinners and letters she wont send, and
Every race night is shot through with sunlight
Tryin to hit the big one, one last time tonight for
Drunken fathers and stupid mothers and
Boys who can't tell one girl from another
So she takes her pills
Careful and round
One of these days she's gonna throw the whole bottle down

But she's tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses

Tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses

One life I'm gonna live it up
I'm takin' flight said I'll never get enough.
Stand tall I'm young and kinda proud
I'm on top as long as the music's loud.
If you think I'll sit around as the world goes by
You're thinkin' like a fool 'cause it's a case of do or die.
Out there is a fortune waitin' to be had
If you think I'll let it go you're mad
You've got another think comin'.

That's right here's where the talkin' ends
Well listen this night there'll be some action spent.
Drive hard I'm callin' all the shots
I got an ace card comin' down on the rocks.

If you think I'll sit around while you chip away my brain
Listen I ain't foolin' and you'd better think again.
Out there is a fortune waitin' to be had
If you think I'll let it go you're mad
You've got another think comin'.
In this world we're livin' in we have our share of sorrow
Answer now is don't give in aim for a new tomorrow.

Oh so hot no time to take a rest yeah
Act tough ain't room for second best.
Real strong got me some security
Hey I'm a big smash I'm goin' for infinity yeah.

Cynical

It’s all about lies. Tiny little illusions that float in shiny glory like soap bubbles. They get closer, and closer. Just when you reach out to touch one: pop! Then all you’re left with is a little wet stain on the concrete, dead and worthless.

I keep thinking that if I stand still enough, hold my breath long enough, one will land on my hand and settle there. Oh, how I try.

But it’s all about lies. It’s about saying the right things to get what you want, at the time. Then getting away as gracefully as possible. It’s not about staying friends, it’s about damage control.

And I’m still in love with you.

Now I remember why I FUCKING LOVE WOMEN!

And as far as any reppressed feelings of lingering longing... I am DONE with that shit. Because those who walked away gave up a good thing. I know that now. Fuck 'em.

It's funny how many revolutions can happen in one night! Way to rock my world, girl!

I've been carrying these lines around in my pockect for a week now, and I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do with them. So here they are:

my heart's a paper doll,
for you
folded into funny shapes.


In the attempt to lock out painful childhood memories, she trapped herself in.

Your details change according to what you're trying to prove.