jkbgirl

I am asleep

2007-11-02T12:58:35Z

I am down again, wanting January. Sadness can stagnate in a heart, unless you continue in motion. But no one notices me standing still out here. And this is how I find myself 180 degrees away from last season. [[Solitude is a bitch, but co'dependance is a whore.]]

"This is how you use your mouth to fight back" (Alix Olson)

I'll support the bending of any binary. But your womanhood was the most wonderful thing I ever set my tounge against... and now everywhere I look, S's are turning into Z's, or even turning back on itself to make room for a male identifier. I ask myself over again "what is the real difference between a man and a woman?" Despite all my efforts to open my mind to these concepts, the answer still is "the way it feels in my mouth".

Who knew that finally settling into my lesbian self... wasn't going to be enough?

This genderqueer stuff is distracting me from the fact that my life is less than half of what I want it to be.

jkbgirl @ 2007-06-08T09:34:00

2007-06-08T13:35:49Z

I could wash this negative energy away.
If I could just munch some frikin muff!

random me

2007-04-07T13:40:48Z

Miserably.
I cling to what I thought we had.

Even when I know
Her hips
Are more fun to cling to.

I smile.
Miserably.

Painful to love
Impossible to hate

When Mohawks became a lesbian thing.

I need to pull myself back up.

Intensity.

flash back

2007-04-07T13:35:03Z

Suppressed
Stuck
Tangled
Tortured.

All over you.

Go silent
Go easy
Go free.

It’s about me.

Eyes touch
Hips twitch
Tears drip.

The end begins.
They’re not sins.

Just another
Past tense lover

Who finds passion in
Manipulating a rhyme scheme

And drinking life
With the sucking noise
Of a straw on the bottom of an empty glass.

Just to prove,
Only to prove-
I’m not sure to who-
That’s there’s still
Some giggle left in this girl.

There’s still some life left in this world
Where bills are past against love
And coffee or tea
Becomes an ethical dilemma.

Dreams are paid minimum wage
I’m tired of dancing around
What I’ve come to say:

You’re not for me
I’ve come to leave
This illusion so strange.

there's heartbreak beneath those pink ruffled panties.

2007-04-07T13:23:48Z

I look at the freeze-framed images of our moments together. So well documented: the smiles, the kisses, the happiness. They were proof of a good time. So I blanketed these hollowed out spaces inside myself with your conundrums. For a while it worked. But even when I'm only hiding the worst of what I am, it takes away from the best of WHO I am. I'm beginning to wonder which one of us is the bigger RIDDLE.

Now you show up in fish nets and those boots that make me pulsate. All that's left to do now is quiver beneath you, and not think about what's left when it's over. Is this really over? "Yes, cant you see it is?" A voice says within my soul. All that's left to do now is press myself against you and cry. All that's left to do now is try to hold on to the smell of your flesh in my bed for one more minute.

I'm the one who did the leaving. So why do I feel so left behind?

I need more practice at being true to myself. I need more time. Push back the dead line.

who I used be

2007-03-04T17:58:16Z

Counting Crows Song Lyric:

Another Horsedreamer's Blues

Margery's dreaming of the middle of the day
Tiyuri to win
Perfect dozen to place
Money is the matter that's been on her mind
Time ticks by her one race at a time

She's tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses

Lookin' at a green sky
Sun like a red eye
Bright blue horses are the fortune she lives by
She's tired and lonely
Scarred and depressed
Her visions of one day go racing the next

She's tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses

Margie doesn't say anything all the way home
So afraid she'll awake to find she's all alone

Margery's wingspan's all feathers and coke cans, and
TV dinners and letters she wont send, and
Every race night is shot through with sunlight
Tryin to hit the big one, one last time tonight for
Drunken fathers and stupid mothers and
Boys who can't tell one girl from another
So she takes her pills
Careful and round
One of these days she's gonna throw the whole bottle down

But she's tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses

Tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses

Judas Priest

2007-02-20T15:10:34Z

One life I'm gonna live it up
I'm takin' flight said I'll never get enough.
Stand tall I'm young and kinda proud
I'm on top as long as the music's loud.
If you think I'll sit around as the world goes by
You're thinkin' like a fool 'cause it's a case of do or die.
Out there is a fortune waitin' to be had
If you think I'll let it go you're mad
You've got another think comin'.

That's right here's where the talkin' ends
Well listen this night there'll be some action spent.
Drive hard I'm callin' all the shots
I got an ace card comin' down on the rocks.

If you think I'll sit around while you chip away my brain
Listen I ain't foolin' and you'd better think again.
Out there is a fortune waitin' to be had
If you think I'll let it go you're mad
You've got another think comin'.
In this world we're livin' in we have our share of sorrow
Answer now is don't give in aim for a new tomorrow.

Oh so hot no time to take a rest yeah
Act tough ain't room for second best.
Real strong got me some security
Hey I'm a big smash I'm goin' for infinity yeah.

written MONTHS ago.& not true anymore,but I still think it's powerful.

2007-02-14T05:11:34Z

Cynical

It’s all about lies. Tiny little illusions that float in shiny glory like soap bubbles. They get closer, and closer. Just when you reach out to touch one: pop! Then all you’re left with is a little wet stain on the concrete, dead and worthless.

I keep thinking that if I stand still enough, hold my breath long enough, one will land on my hand and settle there. Oh, how I try.

But it’s all about lies. It’s about saying the right things to get what you want, at the time. Then getting away as gracefully as possible. It’s not about staying friends, it’s about damage control.

And I’m still in love with you.

Oh yeah!

2007-02-07T05:53:33Z

Now I remember why I FUCKING LOVE WOMEN!

And as far as any reppressed feelings of lingering longing... I am DONE with that shit. Because those who walked away gave up a good thing. I know that now. Fuck 'em.

It's funny how many revolutions can happen in one night! Way to rock my world, girl!

random lines

2007-01-23T03:46:11Z

I've been carrying these lines around in my pockect for a week now, and I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do with them. So here they are:

my heart's a paper doll,
for you
folded into funny shapes.

In the attempt to lock out painful childhood memories, she trapped herself in.

Your details change according to what you're trying to prove.

Standing up for Myself

2007-01-20T05:43:18Z

I quit.... no more.... I refuse! If you don't love me, so what? You never did. I'm not going to filter my emotions just to make you feel more comfortable. I'm stopping the pattern, now. No more exes who know just how far I'm willing to bend, so they try to push me a little further each time.

Forget being nice, from now on I'm being true to myself.

Best quote of the day: "Do you want to live a safe life, or an authentic one?"

It's amazing! This war is ruining, wasting, destroying countless lives. There are people too fat to walk around a store, yet they're malnourished. Young girls are starving themselves to fit a perfect image that doesn't exist. There are children who's lives will be scarred forever because of one sick fucker. Hate is so deeply imbedded into some people's brains that they're willing to kill for it..... but yet there's still room in this world for two women laughing over nothing, and being truly happy, at least for a moment. There's still hope for us, these fragile human beings. Let's nurture that hope, and build a foundation for a peaceful future.

look me in the eye

2007-01-17T06:29:59Z

She kissed me... and I liked it. Alot. It made my little imaginative voice say "what else?"

But I have a rule. No girlfriends allowed til March 9th. (That's my one year clean date, in case you were wondering the significance.)
But still...

look me in the eye
See inside
Because disconnection scares me.

But connection blinds me
To all else.
To my dreams
My own light.

So which road do I take now?

How about a poem?
Let's wrap it up in pretty words
Til it's not what it is anymore,
And I can feel connected
Without you ever really seeing
Me.

Or maybe, we could just make out.

women

2007-01-15T14:58:45Z

(oh papi!)

Let her out.
That fierce, full,
ready to slash through clothing
and find her way to truth...
Let her loose.

Live by risking your heart.
Smile as you pull back up
From fallen love.

Wash fear from your bedsheets,
Leave a clean scent
That invites fun
Oh yes!

fake confidence,
but never your moan.
make hands into amusement rides
and mouth into....

Sensual undertow

2007-01-13T15:35:48Z

I chased her eyes around the room, but never caught them. So we let the laughter carry us around like a luxury car, the kind that wants you to be noticed without being seen.

I crave the kind of touch that sets skin to drip and pulse to rage... but I pull back in fear. Because as much as I laugh, my darling, as much as I sing... I still remember the pain of something so long ago. The pain that echoes throughout everything.

So I have searched, foolishly, blindly, for the one strong enough to hold me up. When, at the same time, I scream for independance. Now I see how silly it all really is..... and I laugh, again.

hloy poet #3

2007-01-13T15:13:47Z

A breast of the mama, like a mountain, held me up to the sky.
And the grey mist held me in her suffocating arms,
And I raised up my arms,
and I screamed "hey God! Where the fuck are you!"
And Two years go by,
and I never heard an answer.
Bu I finally found her,
She was hiding in a poem the whole time.

And when I found her it was so
surprising, I tore the page.
She winked,
Parted her lips ike a lover
said
"You'll always have a hard time hearing if you bottle up your rage."

"God! You son of a-" I said,
then stopped dead.
there was so much to say...
I didn't have the guts
to face that which I had locked away.

"You have the guts."

I am a woman!

2007-01-09T13:57:17Z

I am a scorned woman.
I am a feared woman.
I am an intense woman.
I am a (I wish I had a beard) woman.

I am a wild woman.
I am a pounding woman.
I am a fragile woman.
I am a not so pleasantly sounding woman.

holy poet #2

2007-01-09T13:50:45Z

A breast of the mama, like a mountain, held me up to the sky.
And the grey mist held me in her suffocating arms,
And I raised up my arms,
and I screamed "hey God! Where the fuck are you!"
And Two years go by,
and I never heard an answer.
Bu I finally found her,
She was hiding in a poem the whole time.

And when I found her she it was so
surprising that I accidentally tore the page.
She winked,
Parted her lips ike a lover
And said
"You'll always have a hard time hearing if you bottle up your rage."

"God! You son of a-" I said,
then stopped dead.
Cuz there was so much to say
and I didn't have the guts for any of it.

"You have the guts."

holy poet!

2007-01-09T03:09:14Z

A breast of the mama, like a mountain, held me up to the sky.
And the grey mist held me in her suffocating arms,
And I raised up my arms,
and I screamed "hey God! Where the fuck are you!"
Two years go by, and I never got an answer.
Bu I finally found her,
She was hiding in a poem the whole time.

When angry gurl woke up.

2007-01-08T13:49:44Z

She tilts her head and gives me a smile. And I wonder... who will be the next victim of my double edged heart? Or is it just that I'm too busy jumping in front of bullits? Yeah, I'm a train wreck. And smoke is still rising from the tracks. So I walk out her door, like I walked out his door, and I find myself trying to file back to the very first door I ever walked out of... and I can't. It makes me laugh. I say to myself... "oh, woman. How you've turned out like mama."

But I'm still thinking of that pretty girl's smile, and what the mystery between her legs could have taught me. Cuz I was never taught to take it slow. Love is reckless, so is my soul.

I say to myself... "woe, woman. Place your passion somewhere else. Salvage your dreams, there's still time. There will always be a heartbreak waiting to happen. So pick up that pen,, and liberate yourself... one word at a time."

birth control

2007-01-06T15:18:49Z

I took those little blue pills for a week, then said... Hey, ya know what? I prefer my solution to birth control. Cuz no one ever got knocked up by having their face buried in a muff... at least not to my knowledge. So I know I love you, but it's time to say goodbye... Love doesn't follow gender, hey, we gave it a try... but at least inside a woman, I know where I belong. At least inside a woman, I know what's going on. And the male fear of commitment smells like total bullshit. Hey, it's okay. I can still love you and be angry. I thought you broke my heart, but now I see.... you just reminded a fiery gal why she became ignited in the first place. You want to have your cake and eat it too? That's fine my boy, just don't come back when you're through. Cuz this gurl is gonna roar! This gurl is gonna soar! And this gurl is gonna, gonna, gonna... I don't know anymore! So will I take the pill today? Haven't quite made up my heart... but changing my hormones cuz the weak part of me wants you back seems like the crazy thing to do!

sexuality poem

2007-01-06T14:17:52Z

(this poem is an original works and must not be copied in any way!) my sexuality is fluid/ as a stiff drink/ burning the back of your throat,/ making your skin hot./ my sexuality is NOT/ an alternative lifestyle./ All I want to do is argue/ (or agree)/ about God, till the sun comes up, baby./ Scream her name!/ stain the sheets/ with celebration fluids/ cuz / my sexuality is fluid/ and I wanna mix it with yours./ my sexuality is not pretend/ it is not a choice!/ it is potent as flavored coffee!/ illuminating like the sun!/ it's not a political statement!/ "I am a lesbian, god dammit!"/ and... your daughter,/ who you sent off to private catholic school/ i'm glad to say that she's one too./ one to leave her window cracked/ and I would crawl into her/ combusting eachother's/ Young woman hoods./ BAM! (gasp and sigh.)/ My sexuality could drown the sea/ But, well-/ I guess that's why it makes you nervouse/ for me/ to be...Free.

Thoughts about the future

2007-01-05T15:29:38Z

I've been thinking about becoming an english/creative writing teacher. I want to have a career that's fun, somehow is benificial to the rest of humanity, and where writing is somehow included. And if I did become a teacher, maybe I could get the magazine going by letting the kids write for it, if they wanted.

I've also been thinking about babies alot. There's two people, at the moment, I can see fathering my child. Chris, my darling homo roommate, is of coarse one of them. Despite a few of his less appealing habits, he'd make a loving and caring father. The other person... I think he'd make a great father. But whether or not that will ever happen, I don't know.............. In fact, I don't know anything about the future, because it doesn't exist yet.

What I do know is that life is good today. I have everything I want. Except a partner. But why does that feel so important to me right now? My day (from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed) is full. But when I go to bed, and I'm under the covers with my dog at my feet, this big hallow loneliness starts slithering around inside of me. It wasn't there three months ago. I was fine being single, it felt freeing. But now I just wish I had that one special person to call and say goodnight to. that one special person who I knew would hold me whenever I need it.

Love really does suck

2007-01-05T15:05:18Z

I open up to people who aren't ready for it, and that's how I get hurt. People stay long enough for their scent to lingure in my life, then they leave. I wish I could wrap myself up in ice and block this out. I wish I could only focus on what's going right in my life. But this feels like it wants to consume me.